Today has been a rough day. You know, one of those days where you wonder just how in the holy hell you ended up where you're at...and what you did to deserve it.
Ever heard that song, "Glory Days" (funny how it sounds like 'gory days,' eh?) by Bruce Springsteen? Maybe that dates me, but regardless, it fits how I feel right now. I catch myself thinking "I used to be somebody" a lot lately, until I remember that the somebody I used to be wasn't very happy. Sure, I looked pretty glorious--straight A's, honors, talents, and boy! That juicy title, Doctor, just within my reach. Except I didn't want it, not really. I thought I did, thought I should, because wouldn't anyone want that? Anyone but me, that is.
Right now I'm listening to Rush, "Subdivisions," and realizing that it's all about conforming to get the goodies of being admired, being "in." I was really, really good at it, you know. A mirror for anyone who looked at me, reflecting back what they wanted to see. I did what everyone wanted. I was good. I excelled. I worked hard, damn near sweating blood to claw my way to the top. First bachelor's degree in my family, first master's. Bringing glory to my family name and all that...Michele the Great. I did it all right, and it all turned out wrong because I never followed my heart. Maybe it's good to feel like my heart is breaking, because at least my heart is mine now, instead of everyone else's, to break. Doesn't make it feel any less horrible to realize I went the wrong way for about the last 30 years, but there's still time to try getting to where I want, now that I've turned around. I do feel like I'm stranded 20 miles from civilization in the desert, with a broken-down old truck and no gas, no food, and no water, but I can still walk, and I have a map of where to go. It's not impossible, it's just hard, and I need to remind myself of the difference.
Anyway, I'm not the first person to say, "Hey! I fucking hate my life and I refuse to do it anymore for anyone, even if it makes me rich/famous/admired!" I met a guy who owns a vineyard in Southern Illinois who was even closer to getting his PhD in Educational Psych than I was, halfway through his dissertation, and he chucked it all. My husband knows this guy who used to study black holes at a university, who he describes as "fucking brilliant," (which means he's WAY smarter than I'll ever be) who ditched it all in hopes of becoming a cook on a ship, which is what he wanted to do, what he thought would make him happy. I can hear people groaning and saying, "All that time wasted!" Well, yeah, it's time wasted on unhappiness. And does anyone want to waste another 30 years working on being unhappy?!?
Not me. Funny how the sound of heartbreak can be music to the ears, if you listen. Speaking of, watch "Glee" on Fox and you'll see what I mean!
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